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Walk of Fame.

Hey Mike, so today (or maybe it was yesterday - telling time and keeping track of days is a struggle outside of work these days because it's either keeping track of the Nazi takeover, or keeping track of my slow march to death. anyway, Green Day got a star on the walk of fame in hollywood today. I'd be lying if I didn't say I think it's awesome. I think of how much shit they got from the MRR crowd, the crowd we put all our ethos in, only to watch it implode and utlimately turn on us too. so mayny fucking rules they had for what "was" punk rock. Green Day is awesome. I don't actually know how your were feeling about them in those last years - I always vaguely remember you being pissed at them - not for selling out, but more because they were offered the option of "selling out" - after all, it was honestly, all you ever wanted. I'm still sorry you never got that offer, but also know it was because you always left it up to others to make it happen. Your "grind" as it was was much more about crawling up onto the cross, but not ever, ever really carrying it. Whether it was because sex and drugs were more important (and god knows it killed loads of dreams, and crippled others - have you seen those jokers in Guns & Roses? I mean Duff is the winner in that gang, whoda' thunk it?) or maybe the talent wasn't ever really there? I think it was - you wrote some great songs, but let a lot of shitty ones get through too - and, 30 years out, it was also the personality thing. You just were so...god, this just hit me: transactional about everything. You were never especially loyal to anyone other than me, I guess? Maybe you were loyal to GL and maybe Molly, but to your detriment man. You should have been loyal to the dummers, to getting bass players who were good, rather than just teaching girls who would fuck you. I dunno. I go through this every goddamn time I move and start unpacking stuff (literal, boxes of stuff) and go in to these spirals of thinking about what could have been. For me, and for you. If I had worked harder. If I had had more confidence, if I hadn't been so focused on not being pretty enough. If you had focused on being civil and not such a dick to people who suggested....man, I don't even, still...know what it was that put people off you. I mean people always dug you in the begininning, but then they'd fall away. What is that? I'll be 59 soon. You were 57 when you died, jesus, like my dad? I'm not sure but I think that's right. I think you were just 5 years older than me. Fuck me, I've outlived both you and my dad. Barely though, because I'm not feeling great, and honestly, am really goddamn tired of watching the Fall of the United States of America. It's happening. I didn't go protest today, it's May 1st. I jsut can't feel like any of it matters. And I KNOW that's what they want, but goddamn it. I'm about to start getting my student loans garnished again, which means I'll lose what little social security I might qualify for (if it even exists by the time I can apply - yeah ITS THAT BAD) because they already are taking tax returns.Which I didn't bother with this year because why the fuck should I pay anything to a government who is giving me fuck all? I'd rather pay a state income tax, because at least they facilitate my survivla. But know I still lurk in WA, where it's all backasswards. I have met a few people in the ol' Mobile Country Club: Marilyn, who lives on the corner, has a husband, lovely garden, and a lot of angst about being "humbeled" by having to live in mobile home park. She was n't specific, but obvviously she and her hubby have had soe rough times and had to move here. Then Phil with the Boston terrier who has been here for 15 years and likes to talk shit about people who don't scoop after their dogs (which of course I love) he drives his pups to the little dog park here in the park, but he was kinda fun to talk to. The today I met Keely who has a tiny pocket dog, and was just moving in. She seemed cool, and I kinda dig meeting people my age who are landing here maybe for some of the same past-life chocies I made? Maybe there are other punk rockers? Maybe. I walked KC to the office to pay rent today, and do think we'll do more of it, because she's a charmer and it allows me to interact with humans. Dunno man. It's all really weird.

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