Posterity????

Hey. I am trapped in my own head. Have been since before the internet. It's worse now than ever. Feelings of regret rooted in the overwhelming feeling that I have not achieved my potential. That I should be better. Done better. Made more of a difference. That I can be launched into a spiral by the simplest song playing on the radio station. That I literally have given up being out in the world - after seeming to have been in it for a long time, and yet, really, when you look at it, I wasn't out in it much at all. Given that the internet is the place where history will presumably live now, I will have barely existed in about 10 years. Even though I remember so much about weird little bits of cultural ephemera, I can't remember even half of the gigs I played (and probably only played a few hundred overall at most). And now? Now I'm just pissed off that I didn't spend more time thinking about what I really wanted to do, what I really cared about while I was in college. Instead of just fucking swinging from branch to branch. It's all I've ever done now - never having any real plan, just kinda dipping my toe in here and there. Never being really good at anything, but relatively competent at most things. It's infuriating and I realize, absolutely pointless. Can't help myself though. I want to proofread and edit for a living. This is the new goal (I'd like to edit, but it seems like proofing is the way in there?). Also, this is haunting me as well: "Travel isn’t always pretty,” Anthony Bourdain once said, wrapping up an episode of one of his shows in his distinct staccato voice-over. “It isn’t always comfortable. Sometimes it hurts; it even breaks your heart. But that’s okay. The journey changes you.” 30 years of being affected by accidental travel trauma. Yet...still constantly hungering to return to all the places - to check my memories, to make new ones. To be living in the moment, absorbing the day, tasting the tastes, smelling the smells, feeling the...feels. I mean, if I could do anything in the world, right now, and money was no object: I would drive home. Pack up the dog, my one suitcase. I would book a flight on a private jet, I would fly to Ireland. KC and I would disembark, and we would buy a camper van, and a map of Ireland. We would then explore the country, the entire damn island. When we were satiated, maybe two weeks or more later, we would move on to the UK.
Starting in Scotland, we would drive on, wandering the hills and valleys. Meeting people, sharing stories, making aquaintences. We'd work our way down to London (making sure to swing wide to take in Wales, obviously). We'd visit Emerites Stadium and I would take KC's picture near Henry's statue. Maybe we'd be lucky enough to run in to Tayo or Alan or even Wrighty! From there, it would be the chunnel to France and we would just start driving south, to Spain. Once there, ideally we'd commit to a month walking the calle Santiago, just me and KC in our golden year(s) wandering the paths traveled. We'd then head east, through Italy and over to Slovenia, where I'd finally visit Liblujana and then maybe head north, if summer was approaching and perhaps return to the streets of Belguim and Netherlands, ultimately seeing if we could catch up with some Norwegian ghosts. That done, back south to Portugal where I think the dog and I could expire quietly. That is what I would do if money were not an object: RIGHT NOW. Also, at some time, I need to (via the pilot episode of Will & Grace) deconstruct me and Charles AND WHAT HAPPENED. 12.09.2022 Just a dip into actual written journals reminded me that I did love some people after you. I need to fucking remember that for a brief moment in time, after the divorce (2005) I fucking lived for GrahamCracker, and played with Brett, and Gerry, and all those Fresno boys. It was the perfect place and the perfect time, and it astounds me that I forget this shit. I was just watching 500 days of Summer, and dug out two journals from 2005 and 2007 and HOLY SHIT. JFC, it's really epic that i wrote some stuff down, and got a bit better at it.