Since you've been gone.

Hi. I've been meaning to write for a while, but to be honest, it's hard where to know where to start. So many weird, little things happen over the days that remind me of you, or of someone, we both know (knew?) that I should probably be scribbling it down, because...well, my memory is not getting any better these days. You've been gone almost a year now buddy, and though I hadn't seen you physically in years, the good ol' internet allowed us to stay in touch anyway. It's hard to explain to people, even the people closest to me how strange it is to not have you around even in just the greater sense of the world. If anything, it has made me very aware of how much I was living in the moment (which is, honestly just a romantic way of saying "not paying attention") and that I am always looking for context in the things that happen locally and globally. You were absolutely a yardstick for a certain type of context, and I miss it, even though (and I suppose if people really do become part of the great beyond and you do suddenly know everything then you know this already) I am guilty of using you as a barometer of what the "worst case" scenario of my life might have been. That being said though, your uncompromising personal political views never, ever wavered. There isn't much of that around now, and I wish like crazy I had asked you more about what you thought about Bernie. Politics gets crazier by the day now, and since you were the guy who set me loose in the world of political...what to call it? Not activism, per se, but more of a political awareness that currently is becoming harder and harder to sustain. Getting involved in the local city council race helped a little (man you would have loved to hear some of the stories. Or at least I imagine you would have - it seems like most of our most recent conversations *chats* always seemed to be about your personal life, my lack of same, and then the occasional flashback to someone from our past who had gotten in touch or otherwise brought me to ask about you). Ultimately though, I think this bullshit (and by bullshit I mean the current state of Amerika) is hardest to take because I don't have anyone who specifically shares my experience in the 80s& 90s like you did. I mean, there are still people who I am in touch with, and they post stuff that I agree with, but in terms of having someone to intimately chat with - it's grim. I fully accept that it is my own fault, but damn, sometimes I feel like a niche, within a niche within a subgenre. My life has been an eclectic mess of experiences, mostly circling around personal pleasure. Not even obvious pleasures like sex, drugs and rock and roll (though that certainly helped shape my current status, for sure) but simple shit like being in my own apartment with my dog, typing into the void to try and make sense of things. Though even that I can't seem to do like I did 20 years ago when it actually seemed to help. Now I write and it isn't cathartic, it's spiraling nonsense. I struggle to put into words how lonely I feel some days. Some times I feel fine, and even love being lonely, being a ghost, a shadow, invisible. But sometimes not so much. Anyway, I'm going to try to write you letters here when I can, telling you about my day, about stuff I remembered, stuff I saw that I think you would enjoy or would have some sort of take on. I miss that Mike so much, the one I missed when I broke up with you, the one I would see flashes of when I was still in the band after that. I miss funny, smart, angry Mike a lot, more now with the world spiraling down the drain. Being dead is coming - and to be honest, I feel like it will be sooner rather than later. That being said, our old drummer Carl got in touch a few days ago after I posted a flier from Donnistock on a Seattle punk rock photo page. I was seeing all these old fliers being posted and I thought, "I've got to have at least one in that huge grip of fliers I've kept that would be good in this group" and low and behold there was. About 30 people responded to it, including someone named Jade Blackthorne - who appears to be a trans woman maybe? Seems like you mentioned that maybe it was Dan (the lead guitar guy I absolutely abhorred) who was transitioning one of the last times we talked? She posted that she would have played in the band but you told her "no solos" which honestly made me smile - because of course, that is what you would have said, especially then. Also, because I don't recall you ever mentioning a "Jade" anyone in regards to the band, I have to assume this was someone else at the time, and to be fair, I think I know at least a half dozen people of our generation (or thereabouts) and social group that have made that transition. Only one of whom I actually dated, but that is a story for a different letter maybe? The reaction to the flier though seems to be super positive and I wish I had a better memory of the time, or of any of the people I had met. As usual though, my social ineptness at the time clearly blocked a lot of it (it may also have been the drinking). Anyway, Carl messaged me and suggested we meet up next week, at a dog park even! It was kind of amazing - I can't honestly even remember the last time I actually saw Carl, though I know he's been in Seattle for a good 20 years now too. While I was definitely closer to other drummers, he was (I guess mostly cause he lived in our Eugene house as well) definitely one that I enjoyed talking to, and via the Detonators connection and tour, spent the most time with. Holy shit, I just remembered that most of the time I spent with him initially was with the Detonators, which I ofter forget about unless I am for whatever reason talking about Canada, and then inevitably my time with them comes up. Anyway, he had to cancel because his wife's dad needed to go to the hospital yesterday. There is a plague among us, and it's a flu that started in China and is now taking out all the old and infirm, which is ironic, (but maybe encouraging?) because the entire Senate leadership/POTUS candidates currently make up the exact demographic of those who will be killed by the pandemic, so: fingers crossed for revolution via evolution? Anyway, Carl says he'll get ahold of me again to reschedule, and hopefully he will. I would like to talk to him and reminisce and get his take on shit happening now. He's from my world. I'll let you know what happens. 'Til next time, :m