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Field Notes

(this post is from 9/2020, previously unpublished) Jesus effing christ Mike, you should see this. I mean, where to even start with this nonsense. Every damn chapter of this life gets weirder. Older and weirder, I mean it makes the most sense, but if I could just not be...argh. My brain hurts all the damn time now and no amount of trying to kill it (or even just put it to sleep) is working. I'm in Reno and shit is so ridiculous, it would seem I'm making it up. God bless the silly socialists and their commie pals who are fucking madly trying to keep the lid on this gang of...what to even call them? Who needs an anarchism seminar NOW? THIS GIRL. Listening to 7 Seconds is only gonna make me more feisty, but that is probably what it's gonna take to keep me from punching someone. Hah, we know I won't punch anyone, I'll just keep instigating. These fuckers. How is it you can just genuinely want people to do their own thing, and stop fucking power-tripping? I have been fucking up left and right - how these people think I'm on the ball when I'm clearly just surfing this wave of mayhem, hoping to god that I have talked to enough people that it will actually make a difference by november 3rd. I dunno. There are people legitimately doing the work every day, and then there's me, being pissed off 24/7 and yet still people think I have the answer. The answer is that it's different for everyone, and this fucking soul-baring thing....HOLY FUCK. It's an AA model. God I hate groups. Teams. Except in the kitchen. But that's a team like a band: you are in the moment, there is a tangible goal. This politics stuff - the whiff I got in school....it's coming full circle, and I swear to the mother of Kev that....I just don't do well in groups. When JR made his "did you just have a brain fart" comment I was hurt, and then I realized he's just being the dick he's been from the beginning with me. Ok, maybe not a dick, but they've all been trying to figure me out. I will not be figured, motherfuckers. I do what I want (which is clearly what led to JR's shitty "Are you on the program today?" comment. And I said "What program?") You wanna go boys? Let's dance. I may not have suffered racial slings and arrows, but I have been poor my whole life. I have been living my life, my way, the whole time, and no bunch of sheepdogs are gonna make me feel like I have to apologize. I can learn if you teach me the rules, but if you leave shit up for interpretation, I will fucking interpret the shit out of it. I am the king of surfing. Every mistake I make is due to there not consistancy and communication. I mean, yeah, what I lack in common sense I certainly make up for in creative license and an ability to get things done. I work best when my ass is on fire, or if I want to set someone else's ass on fire. This situation the US is currently in is so heartbreaking and painful to experience, but it has been a trajectory for a while now. The Dark Ages are coming for the US, and it will with all this technology - we will be the least literate technologically advanced socitey in the world - I mean, I'm guessing we really already are. Fuck the worst part of dying will be not being around in 50 years to see what kind of mayhem unfolds - I mean fifty years is nothing, right? What seems like an eternity when you are a pup is now just this weird blip. Fuck me, getting old is so difficult especially when so much is exactly as it appeared. Eat the rich, burn it down, question all authority. I mean, I can follow directions to get out of a burning theater, but beyond that - you best prove that you are more infallible than me if you are going to demand my trust, you stupid leaders. None of them know what the hell to do - we are in fully uncharted waters and the rules are being made up as we go along. I just don't understand how to cut them slack I can't ut myself.

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